A SELECTION OF JOKES I HAVE RECEIVED BY E-MAIL

Please note: None of these jokes reflect my own personal thoughts, interests or the like (although, some are bloody hilarious!)

Last time I posted a joke was December 9, 2002
Only funny jokes posted so all worth a read!


Latest Joke to be posted
Blind man in blonde's bar

These are the other 5 most recent:-
Theme Party
The Facts of Life
Perfect Day for Him & Her
Computer Help
Idiot medical terms.

These have been here a while now, but still funny!!
The pharmacist. Blow job.    Male Chauvinist    Blow Job Etiquette

Chat up lines    Chat up lines 2    Essex girls    Increased Sales    

Birthday Present How to shower   Dear Girlfriend...    Sexist    

Love Dress.    Henry Ford and God    Two men camping    How to shit    

Geordie Windows    Come fly with me    Him & Her   

Valentines Poems!!    Unbelievable Places    Boy in the supermarket.

 
E-mail me a joke and if it's a good 'un I'll post it here (click contact button on the left)

LINKS TO JOKE SITES

www.topjokes.com    www.jokes.com 

Related links on this site:    CARTOONS      TEXT MESSAGES

your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously,

boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman

the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out

8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer.

12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.

4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.

4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.

7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.

7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.

3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all  nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers.

5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson  (bending over... naturally).

7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and  porn legalised.

7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.

9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day; Man City beating Man U by 3 own goals from Barthez

9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).

11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

BACK TO TOP

Please can you help me.

I am having a lot of trouble with my system.  Last year, I up-graded to
Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used  for years with no
trouble.However, apparently there are conflicts  between these two systems.
The only solution was to try to run  Girlfriend with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is  incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Golf  2.0 and Playboy 6.0 but
successive versions of Girlfriend proved no  better.
Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus  in my system, forcing me to
shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried installing Girlfriend 2.1  as well as Girlfriend 1.0
only to discover when the two systems detected each  other, they caused
severe damage to my hardware.
Sensing a way out, I up-graded to Fiancée 1.0  only to discover, to my
dismay, that this system requires rapid up-grading to  Wife 1.0.
However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all  available resources, it does come
complete with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse  2000.
I also find that Wife 1.0 never goes down  like Girlfriend 1.0 used to
quite regularly.
Imagine my disappointment though, on  discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable
and costly to maintain.
Any errors I make are automatically stored in  Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and
cannot be deleted.
Then they seem to re-surface months  later.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary  Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.
In addition, it also regularly runs  "PhotoSTROP" and "WINGEzip" and no
option from the Help Menu seems to work,  leaving me to try to guess the
fault myself.
Wife 1.0 Footprint needs updating regularly,  requiring ShoeShop browser
for new attachments, and HairStyle Express has to be  re-installed every
week.
It also refuses many new Games and  attachments I like to try, stating they
are an Illegal Operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car  1.0 it frequently crashes or
runs the system dry.
Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up  called Mother-In-Law, which
cannot be turned off.
Recently, I have been tempted to try Mistress  2000 add-on, but I hear
there could be problems.
If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress  2000, it will delete all MS
Money files, remove my Floppy, and un-install  itself.
Heeeeeellllllpppp...!!!!

BACK TO TOP

DOWN TO EARTH UNBELIEVABLE TRUE PLACES TO LIVE IN THAT EXIST

> >> >         Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
> >> >         Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
> >> >         Muff (Northern Ireland)
> >> >         Bastard (Norway)
> >> >         Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
> >> >         Wankie (Zimbabwe)
> >> >         Climax (Colorado, USA)
> >> >         Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
> >> >         Shafter (California, USA)
> >> >         Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
> >> >         Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
> >> >         Donk (Belgium)
> >> >         Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
> >> >         Brown Willy (every schoolboy's favourite, Cornwall, UK)
> >> >         Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
> >> >         Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire,   UK)
> >> >         Stains (Near Paris, France)
> >> >         Seymen (Turkey)
> >> >         Turdo (Romania)
> >> >         Fukum (Yemen)
> >> >         Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
> >> >         Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
> >> >         Fuku (Shensi, China)
> >> >         Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
> >> >         Wanks River (Nicaragua)
> >> >         Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
> >> >         Wankener (India)
> >> >         Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
> >> >         Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
> >> >         Hold With Hope (Greenland)
> >> >         Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
> >> >         Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
> >> >         Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
> >> >         Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
> >> >         Tittybong (Australia)
> >> >         Dikshit (India)
> >> >         Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
> >> >         Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
> >> >         Clitheroe (Lancashire, UK)

BACK TO TOP

>> > > > >     Roses are dirty
>> > > > >     Violets have fleas
>> > > > >     Peel back my skin
>> > > > >     And lick off my cheese

>> > > > >     Roses are straight
>> > > > >     Violets are twisted
>> > > > >     Bend over love
>> > > > >     You're about to get fisted

>> > > > >     Roses are crap
>> > > > >     Violets are wanky
>> > > > >     Oooh I've just cum
>> > > > >     Pass me a hanky

>> > > > >     Roses are stupid
>> > > > >     Violets are silly
>> > > > >     Grease up your flaps
>> > > > >     Cos here comes my willy

>> > > > >     Roses make me laugh
>> > > > >     Violets make me titter
>> > > > >     You're a dirty bitch
>> > > > >     And you love it up the shitter

>> > > > >     Roses are red
>> > > > >     Violets are finer
>> > > > >     Chickens are fowl
>> > > > >     Just like your vagina

>> > > > >     Roses are red
>> > > > >     It's elementary
>> > > > >     Let's ring up a friend
>> > > > >     And try double entry

>> > > > >     Roses are shit
>> > > > >     Violets are crap
>> > > > >     Show me your clit
>> > > > >     And I'll cum in your lap

>> > > > >     Roses are groovy
>> > > > >     Violets are funky
>> > > > >     I'm thinking of you
>> > > > >     And spanking my monkey

BACK TO TOP

 Subject: YOU DA MAN TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've  both shared:

 A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

 A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Match of the Day

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

 A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing you wife/girlfriend would agree to
C. Not the sort of thing you wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

 A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. £100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

 A. No concern of yours
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

 A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A Moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

 A. Appetizer is to entree
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at  the end of a relationship?

 A. "I hope we can still be friends"
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population. YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

 A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of Intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

EVALUATING RESULTS:
 If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man!!

  If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

  If you answered "C" more than 7 times, " YOU DA MAN!"

BACK TO TOP

Blow job etiquette (By a woman):

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule 1 - So, if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care what they did in the porn video: it's not standard
practice
to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule 3 - No, I don't have to swallow.
5. My ears are not handles.
6. Extension to rule 5 - Do not push on the top of my head. Do you really
want puke on your dick?
7. I don't care how relaxed you get, it is never OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "blow job week"- get it
through
your skull - I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so no I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just cos you can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to rule 8 - If you're that desperate, go and have a wank and
leave me alone with my middle.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell
me
I've just wrecked it for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go watch TV immediately afterwards is
highly inadvisable, if you want a repeat performance in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about
the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at
it.
13. No, it doesn't taste particularly good. And I don't care about
protein
content.
14. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow
jobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathise
or brag.
15. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
"kiss
it good morning."

------------------------------
A Man's Rebuttal:

1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will
find
someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will. Us men fought wars for
you lot!
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than
licking a dead fish.
3. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be
thankful
I'm not pulling your hair.
4. When your on the blob, stuffing something in your mouth is the only
way
to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it!
5. Speaking of which, if your bleeding for five days on the trot, you
need
all the fluids you can get, trust me.
6. You bitch about the taste but trust me, we get the shit end of the
stick
in the flavour department.
7. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. Unless
you
bite!
8. Play with the balls.
9. No matter how good you think you are, we've had better.
10. Caressing the bum works too.
11. Make hay while the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now,
but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I guarantee
it'll
be "sound asleep."
12. Being "wide awake" is a compliment to you. Say thank you.
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on
your
face, now will you?

BACK TO TOP

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you're a slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking on my cock.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I get done smackin' it to you in the back
of my car......I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Sure that isn't "fat bird reversing"?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot it on your back.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....... as long as you are still a little warm
when I shove it in your arse.
Man: "Would you like to dance?"
Woman: "I wouldn't dance with you."
Man: "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me. I said you look fat in that
dress."
(To be used to the uglier of two girls):
Man: "Do you want to dance?"
Minger: "Yes I do."
Man: "Go on then, off you go, I want to talk to your mate."

BACK TO TOP

Austin Powers chat up lines - guys these are classics
 I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
> >>
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)Let's get you out of these wet
clothes.
> >>
Nice legs...what time do they open?
> >>
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
> >>
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
> >>
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
> >>
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking
to you.
> >>
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,
have you seen one?
> >>
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
> >>
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
> >>
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you
all day long for a quarter.
> >>
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
> >>
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
> >>
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
> >>
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
switch away.
> >>
Are those real?
> >>
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
> >>
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for
that thing you do with your tongue.
> >>
 If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
> >>
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
> >>
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
> >>
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
> >>
F @# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
> >>
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
> >>
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
> >>
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
> >>
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
> >>
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
> >>
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
> >>
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
> >>
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been
drinking?
> >>
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we
could do it in public.
> >>
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
> >>
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
> >>
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
> >>
Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

BACK TO TOP

Q. What does an Essex girl say after having sex ?

A. What team do you guys play for !

> >

Q. Whats the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board ?

A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

> >

Q. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl?

A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

> >

Q. What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd?

A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!

> >

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?

A. You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around whining for a week.

> >

Q. What's the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?

A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.

> >

Q. What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say ?

A. NEXT !

> >

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Panama Canal?

A. One's a busy ditch.....

> >

Q. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?

A. Goes home.

> >

Q. What's the mating call of an Essex girl?

A. Gosh, I'm so drunk!

> >

Q. What's the first three things an Essex girl does in the morning?

1:  Says "Thanks guys... "

2:  Introduces herself.

3:  Goes home.

> >

Q. What did the Essex girl say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

A. "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

> >

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?

A.  You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

> >

Q. What's the irritating part around an Essex girl's vagina?

A. The Essex girl!

> >

Q. How do you know which computer an Essex girl was using?

A. By the Tippex on the screen

> >

Q. Why is an Essex girl like railway tracks?

A. 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

> >

Did you hear about the Essex girl that went to library

and was thrilled to  find a book called "How to Hug"?  

She got back home and found out it was volume seven of the

Encyclopedia Britannica...

> >

Two Essex girls out walking in the country come upon

some tracks. A furious argument ensues with one of them

saying these are moose tracks and the other insisting that 

they're deer tracks. They are still fighting when the train hits them .

BACK TO TOP

A man was handing down the family business to his son.
"Now Jim," the father said, "just watch as I deal with this customer."
A man entered the shop and asked for a packet of grass seeds. The father
handed them to him and asked if he wanted a lawn mower, to which the man
replied, "Why would I need one of those?"
"Oh," the father said "these grass seeds grow really fast." The man
accepted the deal and left ?80 worse off.
The son of the shop keeper took over at the counter, when another customer
walked in. "Could I possibly have a packet of Tampax please." he requested
"Certainly Sir," the young boy said "and will you want a lawn mover with
that?"
The stunned man retorted, "Why?"
"Well sir," the boy said, "You'll be doing fuck all else this weekend, you
might as well cut the grass."

BACK TO TOP

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and
as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note; romantic but not too
personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Harrods
and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties
for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the
sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking
the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart
with the following note;
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought
them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks
and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time
as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a
chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them
before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.

PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing"
BACK TO TOP

How to Shower like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to
lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband
along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so
that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until
red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you
must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get
it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the
water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African county.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and
then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake
your cock at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your cock in the mirror, scratch
your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your arse, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Moheakan
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Piss (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor
because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire cock size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
wife, pull off the towel, grab your cock, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your
pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
BACK TO TOP

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):

I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football,
baseball, etc.onTV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted
and I was trying to breathe.
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=============================================================
 
    If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true
    love?
 
    The swallow
 
    =============================================================
 
    How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
 
    Phone her.
 
 
    =============================================================
 
    Why do women fake orgasms?
 
    Because they think men care.
 
 
    =============================================================
 
    What is the definition of "making love"?
 
    Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
 
 
    =============================================================
 
    What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
 
    Slow down and use a lubricant.
 
 
    =============================================================
 
    How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
 
    None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
 
    =============================================================
 
    What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and
    B.S.E?
 
    One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
 
    =============================================================
 
    Why does the bride always wear white?
 
    Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
    refrigerator..
 
    =============================================================
 
    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
 
    Nothing, you told the bitch twice
    =============================================================
 
    How many men does it take to open a beer?
 
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
 
    =============================================================
 
    How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
 
    Marry it!
 
 
    =============================================================
 
    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
 
    A battery has a positive side.
 
    =============================================================
 
    What are the three fastest means of communication?
 
    1) Internet
    2) Telephone
    3) Telawoman
 
    =============================================================
 
    Why do hunters make the best lovers?
 
    Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and
    they eat what they shoot.
 
    =============================================================
 
    How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
 
    They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
 
    =============================================================
 
 
    What should you give a woman who has everything?
 
    A man to show her how to work it.
 
    =============================================================
 
    How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
 
    They both begin with alot of blowing and sucking, and in
    the end you lose your house.
 
    =============================================================
 
    Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
 
    She knows she's given her last blow job.
 
    =============================================================
 
    What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
 
    A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and A bitch
    sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
 
    =============================================================
 
    Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips
    called a waist?
 
    Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in
    there.
 
    =============================================================
 
    Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
 
    When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
 
    =============================================================
 
    How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
 
    Put a nipple on it!

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A lady stopped unexpectedly by her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law
standing naked by the door. "What are you doing," she asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
replied. 

"Why are you naked," asked the mother-in-law.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS!  You're naked," said the mother-in-law.
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and
he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "He will be home any minute

now, so perhaps you could stop by a little later?".
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On
the way home, she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She
undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her
husband to come home.  Finally, his pickup truck drove up the drive way.
Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his naked wife.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she said excitedly.
"Needs ironing," he replied.

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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven...
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford,and tells him, "Well, you've been
such a good guy, and your invention... the assembly line for the
automobile, changed the world."
 
As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces
him to God.

Ford then asks God,  "When you invented Woman, what were You  thinking?"
 God said, "What do you mean?"
 "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
 1. There's too much front end protrusion.
 2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
 3. Maintenance is extremely high.
 4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
 5. It is out of commission at least 3 to 5 of every 28 days.
 6. The rear end wobbles too much.
 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
 8. The headlights are usually too small.
 9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
 Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute."

God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes,
and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report,
and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my
invention is flawed, but according to these statistics,  more men are
riding my invention than yours."

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Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
were
getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know,
we're
starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll
hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the
day looking around. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our
experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.
The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.  "Today I hiked into
a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.
Then
I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched
with butterflies as hawks floated all day over head. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to
the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we
had sex in every imaginable position all
afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to
camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did
you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

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15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Woman:

1.   Under no circumstance use any other toilet than your own, regardless
of any
stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2.   With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband.  Also wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet
paper.
3.   Flush the toilet before starting.  Then wash your hands.
4.   Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat
on the
toilet since it was last bleached).
5.   Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6.   Pull panties down and sit.  Some women may still prefer to squat over
the
seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7.   Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8.   Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any
faeces.
9.   Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively
guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about 5 or 6 applications
per
roll).
10.  Wipe once and throw paper into the pan.  Do not look at the paper.
11.  Repeat steps 9 to 10 at least thirty times.  It may be necessary to
yell
for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door
while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments.  It is
traditional to
do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12.  Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13.  Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14.  Open all windows and spray approximately half a can of air freshener
15.  Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and
leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.


15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Man:

1.   Select reading material (can be anything except a porn mag; tried by
every
man once, but never repeated - see step 4)
2.   Tell everyone along the way "just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3.   Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4.   Adjust penis and testicals to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet
rim.
5.   Open reading material and relax.
6.   Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7.   Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out.  It is quite normal to
experience
a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb.
 This is
to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8.   Remain sitting and reading until pins & needles sets in to your legs
and
buttocks.
9.   Rise and look at the poo.  Make mental notes of any irregularities to
report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any
visible
traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10.  Take long length of paper and wipe anus.  You must look at the paper
before
throwing it into the pan.
11.  Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the
paper.
12.  Flush.  If there is any residue left on the pan, under no
circumstances
attempt to clean it off.  In due course, it will come away by itself.  Or
when
your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.
13.  Leave the seat up.  Leave the reading material on the floor (you can
use it
again later).
14.  Wash your hands once.
15.  Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open.  It is important to a
man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
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Microsoft Announcement.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version of
Windows
98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle.  If you have
one of
the Newcastle editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen.
It reads "Windaz 98" with a background picture of a Brown Ale bottle
superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne Bridge.  It is shipped with the
Brown
Ale screensaver.
Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled "Shite".
Dialup Networking is called "me mates".
Control Panel is known as "how te fook aboot wi the settins'"
The Hard Drive is referred to as "Big Disk"
Other features:
OK = alreet
cancel = fook that
yes = aye
no = nee fookin'chance
find = gan gerrit ya fookin sel'
goto = owa there
help = ah cannet dee it
stop = divvent move
start = hadaway and shite
settings = settins'
programs = stuff that daes stuff
personal folder = me shite
Also note that Windaz 98 does not recongnise capital letters or punctuation
marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Windaz 98:
tiperita = a word processor
cullarin book = a graphics package
addin masheen = calculator
tunes = CD player
dole = accounting software
toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores
bevvy = local off-licenses by postcode and price of Brown Ale
porn = Internet Explorer

We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the
Newcastle
edition.  You may return it to Microsoft for an immediate replacement.
BACK TO TOP

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to
leave.

They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured
them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off
immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots'
uniforms ... both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye
dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.  The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.  The plane moves faster and faster down the
runway, and toward water at the edge of the airport territory.  As it
begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will
plow into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts
smoothly into the air.  The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that practical jokes notwithstanding, the
plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're
all gonna die."

BACK TO TOP

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much
about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we
should go off somewhere more intimate, so we could talk more privately.
So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny
and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me
or something else.  I ask him, and he says no.  But you know I'm
not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that
I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the
hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going
to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then after about
10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex.  But, he still seemed
really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just
cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he
thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone
else???....

HIS STORY:

Shit day at work. Tired. Got a shag though.

BACK TO TOP

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean Section............A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterise...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

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A man walked into the produce section of his local Super Valu and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son? ''Galway, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Galway,' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players up there. ''Really!' said the manager. 'My wife is from Galway!' The boy replied, 'No kidding! Who did she play for?'

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but as he's never had sex before he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He helps the boy for over an hour. He tells him everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "We're going to do it in every room in the house at least twice!" The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" He goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her. "Honey, would you give me a blow job??" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!" "No, no and no! I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you .." Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job,or I can do it. Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for f*cks sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

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